Tag Archives: Cheese Whiz

The Bachelor and Fire & Wine Night Combo Post: Jake, just say gno!

Sometimes you just have to say gno.

And, last night, as we devoured our delicious gnocchi (recipe courtesy of the brilliant Elise of Simply Recipes) topped with a brown butter with spinach and pinenuts sauce (recipe courtesy of Cooking Light), we were screaming “GNO!” at our bachelor friend, Jake.

I decided to compile our list of “gnos” in lieu of our usual Cheese Whiz Ratings. Because last night was gno ordinary Fire & Wine night.

Image courtesy of EW.com

Things Jake should have said Gno* to in last night’s episode – with quotes and input from DD Girl and Roomie:

1. Girls in RV’s. – Didn’t Jake watch Road Rules? He should know that nothing good ever comes out of a bunch of girls sharing an RV.

2. Carrying his date (Gia) around the vineyard like a toddler. “She probably weighs as much as a toddler – DD Girl.” Jake, that’s weird and icky.

3. Girls who wear stilletos on a camping trip. Even Roomie who always looks cute and fashionable balked at these girls.

4. Taking your dates to a whore house-looking hotel, with each room you visit getting progressively tackier than the rest. If that is even possible.

5. The “I get lost in your eyes” line as said to Kathryn. Both times. Really?

6. A tie that looks like a tablecloth during the rose elimination ceremony. What was that thing?

7. Seeking wisdom on picking your future wife from Chris – the-network-is-going-to-love-this Harrison. Of course they are going to let you not give out all your roses, silly Jakey.

8. Girls obsessed with Vienna. Ugh. Enough already. All of it.

9. Ashleigh’s post-rose ceremony departure was less than graceful, as Roomie told DD Girl who was out of the room. So this gno is to Ashleigh – say gno to snotty, tearful departure speeches.

10. Girls who freak out over a cute little family of raccoons. (Gia!) Possibly the best part of the entire episode.

*Cheese Whiz Awards will return next week.

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Cheese Whiz Bachelor Rating: Oh Jake, you big tease.

Image Courtesy of the Easy Cheese entry on Wikepedia

I bring you an abbreviated Cheese Whiz review of last night’s Bachelor today due to some other stuff  in the works on both here on QueenofQuirky.com and the Quirky Wedding blog.  

Last night was a big ‘ole hate fest on poor Vienna. And oh my god  I just cannot be in any competition where she is still surviving because. Like. I’m so much prettier, smarter, sweeter than she’ll ever be. 

Puh-lease.

But my favorite line was from Michelle who said something to the effect of I see myself as a very attractive girl. And Vienna is the opposite of me. 

Ok Michelle, you get four Cheese Whiz points for that zinger. But that’s alright. Because you’re going home without even the courtesy of a rose ceremony. 

That’s right. Jake sent Michelle and her drama packing last night after she “Is that all you got-ed” his kiss. Poor, poor Michelle. As Jake so wisely stated, she wanted to find love but she just didn’t know how. Four points for the drama of sending her home without a rose ceremony but zero points for the psycho analysis, Jake.

Then there was the whole comedy bit which was kind of lame, if you ask me. It would have been better if the audience had been supplied some rotten tomatoes to throw at these rotten girls. One Cheese Whiz point for bad comedy.

Before I get to the Cheese Whiz moment of the night, we have to address our little tease Elizabeth. She not only didn’t get her kiss, but she also didn’t get a rose and was sent home packing after Jake called her a tease.

But Jakey, I think it’s you who is the big tease.  You’re the one who brings an eight year-old to Sea World to “meet his new daddy” only to never see him again. Poor Ella. She’s most likely not going to make the cut, and from what they’ve shown it’s a shame too, because she seems sweet. But what guy wants to deal with someone else’s kid and a real family life when he can spend his time globe trotting with a 20-something dingbat? For single moms everywhere, I’m just terribly sorry how this scene is going to play out.

And Ella, sweetheart, you deserve better than our Wings of Love Pilot who “has thought of everything.” Scratch that, honey. His producers thought of everything including the private shows at Sea World, the picnic, the model airplane and yes, obviously surprising you with your son for your birthday. I’d give you a whole can of Cheese Whiz if I could.

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Cheese Whiz Bachelor Review: Hard knocks breed wisdom

Image Courtesy of the Easy Cheese entry on Wikepedia

Season Premiere

It’s that time again – The Cheese Whiz Bachelor Highlights from last night.

Now rest assured I was watching it, but I was not on Twitter because I didn’t end up starting it until 9:30 EST.(Even though I  live in Missouri, I like to use EST as my standard time stamp. I feel this makes me more sophisticated and East Coast-like.)

As you know, watching The Bachelor is akin to learning from one of life’s great teachers.  <snort>

If you didn’t come away from last night’s show with valuable life lessons then I don’t think you were watching the same show as I was.

In fact, I actually experienced my hard-knock life lesson before the show even started: Do not try to cook a 2-hour soup on Monday nights. Fiance wants to go play poker. He does not want to miss dinner.  You do not wish for him to miss the dinner you have planned. He does not want to see a glimpse of this horrible, awful show. Which translates to cook a quick dinner, and let him get the hell out of dodge.

Enough about me. Time to start rating some of the  life lessons and hard knocks we learned from the Bachelor.

Lesson #1 –  In order to survive the Bachelor, spend less time doing Math and more time reading fashion magazines. On her first date, Christina was put into a bit of an uncomfortable situation – she had to model a photo shoot for InStyle Magazine. Something she was not comfortable with. In fact, she said she would rather be doing Math. And it showed. And she went home. Poor Christina. It looks like the other girls will have to give her back her consolation prize candy now. If only she had done less Math and more modeling, Jake might have kept her around. One Cheese Whiz for the Math Whiz.

Lesson #2 – Do not pour your heart out to the Bachelor, unless you can do it quickly. You will get interrupted. Most likely by someone dressed more sultry than you. We saw several women learn this lesson again and again last night. First Gia who was interrupted by the bikini clad Ashleigh and later a very upset Vienna was chided by Elizabeth for taking too much time. What did she expect? Four Cheese Whiz Points for interrupting the drama.

Lesson # 3 If you kiss a Bachelor he will turn into a frog, or you will be a slut, or we aren’t sure what will happen but Elizabeth isn’t doing it. But she got a rose, so her little “hard-to-get” game bought her another week. But Jake says he still has questions for her. Questions such as, “what can I do to score some action,” I’m sure. Zero Cheese Whiz points for not slutting it up on the Bachelor. Isn’t that what this show is all about?!

Lesson #4 Don’t be nervous – It worked for Ali who got the first solo date – a romantic day of flying “on the wings of love” in a private plane with Jake  followed by dinner and a concert by Chicago. I wanted to hate her. I really did. But she is cute. And her down-to-earth personality kind of won me over. Plus I loved that she just let her hair do what it was doing that day. Three Cheese Whiz points for winning me over but not four due to lack of drama.

Lesson #5: Pack your bags, sweetheart. Our favorite drama queen, Michelle was bringing the drama again this week. After not getting a date, she threw a temper tantrum and packed her bags. Unsatisfied with the results of this little show, she decided she should tell Jake what she had done. But, she should have heeded Lesson #2 because in the middle of her confessional heart-to-heart she was interrupted by another girl. She gave her the stink eye before relentlessly freeing Jake from her stronghold. Yikes. Three Cheese Whiz points. Good drama, but I dislike her so much that she gets docked a point.

But the Cheese Whiz lesson of the night goes to Rozlyn…

If you are on the Bachelor, don’t mess around with the production crew, stupid girl. There just isn’t much more to say about this lesson which gets Four plus Cheese Whiz points in part for being so freaking hilarious to watch. And for Rozlyn, our busted scarlet bachelorette who told host Chris Harrison that she doesn’t think her life is any of his business. Nice. Points are also awarded for the production of the thing which featured shots of Roz packing her bags with the dead rose in the background. And let’s not leave anyone out – the crocodile tears shed by those who watched hot model Roz leave because they couldn’t believe someone would do this to Jake. Boo frickin hoo. Loved it.

So there you have it. What were some of your life lesson take aways from last night’s show?

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The Cheese Whiz Bachelor Rating Game

 Mmmmm pig. Love me some piggy. The Slow Cooker Char Sui Pork Roast was so unbelievably tasty, it was hard to believe it was from Cooking Light. But I swear it was. It’s one of my new favorite piggy recipes to cook.

Photo courtesy of Popcrunch.com

You know what else I love? The Bachelor.

I say this with shame.

In the same voice I used when the fiance got a can of Cheese Whiz  Easy Cheese in his stocking and he expressed great disgust with the thing. Then I quietly chimed in with, “I’ll eat it. In the dark. On Ritz or Club crackers.” And everyone looked at me funny.

Ok, so I like Cheese Whiz and the Bachelor. Deal with it.

You know how the fiance dealt with it last night? He left.

No, not me. He just went to go play Poker. C’mon I feed him well, I knew he’d return. There were leftovers of the pig in the fridge.

Meanwhile I cozied up with a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I tried to get Gertie to come snuggle with me, but she abandoned me for her couch in the other room.

Fine. No one wanted to watch with me. I get it. It’s a horrible show.

Image Courtesy of the Easy Cheese entry on Wikepedia

So, the whole “looking for his co-pilot” bit is killing me. It is cheesier than Cheese Whiz and I approve. [Four cheese whiz points]

 I wasn’t a big Jake fan on the Bachelorette, so I knew he would need to make a good impression on me to start off this season.

He made a horrible impression on me. Just awful. I hated his fakey fake “nice to meet you voice.” At first I couldn’t figure out why it made me want to gauge my eyes out, but then it dawned on me – it is the same tone my ex-husband used when he was being fakey fake. I probably fell for it myself seven years ago — before I realized it was freaking annoying. Not falling for it could have saved me a mess of a divorce. [0 Cheese Whiz points for Fakey Voice and reminding me of my ex-husband]

I wanted to tell the girls to run away. Get back in that limo and flee to the nearest airport. Nothing good comes out of a fakey fake introduction. But then I realized I was watching the Bachelor and it’s all fakey fake. [2 Cheese Whiz points for stupid girls staying on the show and entertaining me.]

So then I started picking girls I like. My favorite was Kimberly. She was this darling little peach from Oklahoma. She seemed so sweet. [4 Cheese Whiz points to cute Kimberly.]

But the stupid Bachelor didn’t pick her. [0 Cheese Whiz points]

Turns out he has a preference for bubbly and catty blondes, sultry swim suit models oh and emotional wreck basket cases who break down on the first episode. [4 Chees Whiz points for breakdown, 3 for catty girl drama, 2 for always-happy bubbly bonde and 0 for swimsuit models. They have no place in my life.]

I really, really wanted to root for the divorced Tenley, but girlfriend needs to get a grip. So she kissed him. First. Big deal. A. Don’t tell the other girls. They will hate you. and, B. Don’t cry about it.  And she also needs to have dated at least a wee little bit post-divorce before embarking on a national reality televsion dating show. Um, duh. [0 Cheese Whiz points for not dating after divorce , 4 for kissing the Bachelor first, 0 for crying about it.]

I have to say, I was kind of a fan of Ashley’s little flight attendent outfit. [4 for the outfit.]

But the Cheese Whiz award of the night goes to the later eliminated Channy for telling the Bachelor in her native language that he can land on her landing strip. [4+ points]

So there you have it – my Cheese Whiz rating system for the Bachelor. Play along every Monday night on Twitter with me and look for updates on Tuesdays.

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