Cheese Whiz Bachelor Review: Hard knocks breed wisdom

Image Courtesy of the Easy Cheese entry on Wikepedia

Season Premiere

It’s that time again – The Cheese Whiz Bachelor Highlights from last night.

Now rest assured I was watching it, but I was not on Twitter because I didn’t end up starting it until 9:30 EST.(Even though I  live in Missouri, I like to use EST as my standard time stamp. I feel this makes me more sophisticated and East Coast-like.)

As you know, watching The Bachelor is akin to learning from one of life’s great teachers.  <snort>

If you didn’t come away from last night’s show with valuable life lessons then I don’t think you were watching the same show as I was.

In fact, I actually experienced my hard-knock life lesson before the show even started: Do not try to cook a 2-hour soup on Monday nights. Fiance wants to go play poker. He does not want to miss dinner.  You do not wish for him to miss the dinner you have planned. He does not want to see a glimpse of this horrible, awful show. Which translates to cook a quick dinner, and let him get the hell out of dodge.

Enough about me. Time to start rating some of the  life lessons and hard knocks we learned from the Bachelor.

Lesson #1 –  In order to survive the Bachelor, spend less time doing Math and more time reading fashion magazines. On her first date, Christina was put into a bit of an uncomfortable situation – she had to model a photo shoot for InStyle Magazine. Something she was not comfortable with. In fact, she said she would rather be doing Math. And it showed. And she went home. Poor Christina. It looks like the other girls will have to give her back her consolation prize candy now. If only she had done less Math and more modeling, Jake might have kept her around. One Cheese Whiz for the Math Whiz.

Lesson #2 – Do not pour your heart out to the Bachelor, unless you can do it quickly. You will get interrupted. Most likely by someone dressed more sultry than you. We saw several women learn this lesson again and again last night. First Gia who was interrupted by the bikini clad Ashleigh and later a very upset Vienna was chided by Elizabeth for taking too much time. What did she expect? Four Cheese Whiz Points for interrupting the drama.

Lesson # 3 If you kiss a Bachelor he will turn into a frog, or you will be a slut, or we aren’t sure what will happen but Elizabeth isn’t doing it. But she got a rose, so her little “hard-to-get” game bought her another week. But Jake says he still has questions for her. Questions such as, “what can I do to score some action,” I’m sure. Zero Cheese Whiz points for not slutting it up on the Bachelor. Isn’t that what this show is all about?!

Lesson #4 Don’t be nervous – It worked for Ali who got the first solo date – a romantic day of flying “on the wings of love” in a private plane with Jake  followed by dinner and a concert by Chicago. I wanted to hate her. I really did. But she is cute. And her down-to-earth personality kind of won me over. Plus I loved that she just let her hair do what it was doing that day. Three Cheese Whiz points for winning me over but not four due to lack of drama.

Lesson #5: Pack your bags, sweetheart. Our favorite drama queen, Michelle was bringing the drama again this week. After not getting a date, she threw a temper tantrum and packed her bags. Unsatisfied with the results of this little show, she decided she should tell Jake what she had done. But, she should have heeded Lesson #2 because in the middle of her confessional heart-to-heart she was interrupted by another girl. She gave her the stink eye before relentlessly freeing Jake from her stronghold. Yikes. Three Cheese Whiz points. Good drama, but I dislike her so much that she gets docked a point.

But the Cheese Whiz lesson of the night goes to Rozlyn…

If you are on the Bachelor, don’t mess around with the production crew, stupid girl. There just isn’t much more to say about this lesson which gets Four plus Cheese Whiz points in part for being so freaking hilarious to watch. And for Rozlyn, our busted scarlet bachelorette who told host Chris Harrison that she doesn’t think her life is any of his business. Nice. Points are also awarded for the production of the thing which featured shots of Roz packing her bags with the dead rose in the background. And let’s not leave anyone out – the crocodile tears shed by those who watched hot model Roz leave because they couldn’t believe someone would do this to Jake. Boo frickin hoo. Loved it.

So there you have it. What were some of your life lesson take aways from last night’s show?

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Cheese Whiz Bachelor Review: Hard knocks breed wisdom

  1. I think you need to amend this blog to include something about the “making out with my forehead all night” line of brilliance. 🙂

  2. Oh Barb- that was fantastic. See, that’s why we do comments because you guys remember funnier stuff than I do!

  3. My friend Jenny

    I was so glad to see one of the women give The Bachelor a taste of this reality-TV- style of monogamy. Team Roz all the way!

  4. Pingback: Shame Spiral « Queen of Quirky

  5. Pingback: Cheese Whiz Bachelor Rating: Oh Jake, you big tease. « Queen of Quirky

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