The Cheese Whiz Bachelor Rating Game

 Mmmmm pig. Love me some piggy. The Slow Cooker Char Sui Pork Roast was so unbelievably tasty, it was hard to believe it was from Cooking Light. But I swear it was. It’s one of my new favorite piggy recipes to cook.

Photo courtesy of

You know what else I love? The Bachelor.

I say this with shame.

In the same voice I used when the fiance got a can of Cheese Whiz  Easy Cheese in his stocking and he expressed great disgust with the thing. Then I quietly chimed in with, “I’ll eat it. In the dark. On Ritz or Club crackers.” And everyone looked at me funny.

Ok, so I like Cheese Whiz and the Bachelor. Deal with it.

You know how the fiance dealt with it last night? He left.

No, not me. He just went to go play Poker. C’mon I feed him well, I knew he’d return. There were leftovers of the pig in the fridge.

Meanwhile I cozied up with a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I tried to get Gertie to come snuggle with me, but she abandoned me for her couch in the other room.

Fine. No one wanted to watch with me. I get it. It’s a horrible show.

Image Courtesy of the Easy Cheese entry on Wikepedia

So, the whole “looking for his co-pilot” bit is killing me. It is cheesier than Cheese Whiz and I approve. [Four cheese whiz points]

 I wasn’t a big Jake fan on the Bachelorette, so I knew he would need to make a good impression on me to start off this season.

He made a horrible impression on me. Just awful. I hated his fakey fake “nice to meet you voice.” At first I couldn’t figure out why it made me want to gauge my eyes out, but then it dawned on me – it is the same tone my ex-husband used when he was being fakey fake. I probably fell for it myself seven years ago — before I realized it was freaking annoying. Not falling for it could have saved me a mess of a divorce. [0 Cheese Whiz points for Fakey Voice and reminding me of my ex-husband]

I wanted to tell the girls to run away. Get back in that limo and flee to the nearest airport. Nothing good comes out of a fakey fake introduction. But then I realized I was watching the Bachelor and it’s all fakey fake. [2 Cheese Whiz points for stupid girls staying on the show and entertaining me.]

So then I started picking girls I like. My favorite was Kimberly. She was this darling little peach from Oklahoma. She seemed so sweet. [4 Cheese Whiz points to cute Kimberly.]

But the stupid Bachelor didn’t pick her. [0 Cheese Whiz points]

Turns out he has a preference for bubbly and catty blondes, sultry swim suit models oh and emotional wreck basket cases who break down on the first episode. [4 Chees Whiz points for breakdown, 3 for catty girl drama, 2 for always-happy bubbly bonde and 0 for swimsuit models. They have no place in my life.]

I really, really wanted to root for the divorced Tenley, but girlfriend needs to get a grip. So she kissed him. First. Big deal. A. Don’t tell the other girls. They will hate you. and, B. Don’t cry about it.  And she also needs to have dated at least a wee little bit post-divorce before embarking on a national reality televsion dating show. Um, duh. [0 Cheese Whiz points for not dating after divorce , 4 for kissing the Bachelor first, 0 for crying about it.]

I have to say, I was kind of a fan of Ashley’s little flight attendent outfit. [4 for the outfit.]

But the Cheese Whiz award of the night goes to the later eliminated Channy for telling the Bachelor in her native language that he can land on her landing strip. [4+ points]

So there you have it – my Cheese Whiz rating system for the Bachelor. Play along every Monday night on Twitter with me and look for updates on Tuesdays.


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6 responses to “The Cheese Whiz Bachelor Rating Game

  1. Easy Cheese ROCKS. Especially the kind with the faux bacon flavor – yum yum! I once took a can, along with two bottles of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill to a wine and cheese party. The hostess (who had no sense of humor anyway) was NOT amused. I’ll tell you what though – that can was completely empty by the end of the night! HA!

  2. yes! this was so funny and so perfect. I’m so glad you felt these ways. I totally agree. I wanted to kill jake. I never loved him, he was such a nerd. So nerdy and way too cheesey.I love this show and luckily dave will watch it with me. Its a guilty pleasure for sure!! so funny!! can’t wait to read your reviews..hope you do them weekly!

  3. I don’t know if I can watch the Bachelor and listen to anymore “copilot” references. It was like old, moldy cheese. And the distorted version of On the Wings of Love playing in the background. Kill me now.

    But hey, I sat there for 2 hours and also picked my favorites. I am a Tenley fan too, minus the tears.

    (and PS: Every time I feature my corgi on my blog, I think of you, haha)

  4. Pingback: Easy Cheese Bachelor Review: Hard knocks breed wisdom « Queen of Quirky

  5. Pingback: Shame Spiral « Queen of Quirky

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