Need to create a new emotion

Sadness? Nope.

Anger? Not anymore.

Pity? Eh, not really.

Shock? I shouldn’t be.

Indifferent? I wish I could say that, but  the mere fact that I’m looking for an emotion clearly means I’m not.

I mean it’s not as if deep down, I didn’t know my ex-husband married her. I guess I just didn’t expect to find out when I was playing with Facebook on my phone and saw “they” (sharing the same account) recently friended a mutual friend. And in seeing their profile, I could see that she now has his last name. So unless they flipped a coin to decide whose name to go with, I’m guessing it’s because it is their name.

A  name I’m still fighting to rid myself of.

And there I was, the happiest I’ve ever been but I still felt “something” when I learned this information. And for a minute I felt guilty about this feeling I couldn’t put a finger on. What an insult to my new life and my amazing boyfriend.

But then I realized that it’s completely normal to feel something when you learn that your ex-husband is remarried. Because there was a time in your life when you thought you’d be with him forever. And even though you have more than accepted the fact that it is over and you have completely moved on with your life, there is a history there. A part of your life, your soul, your dreams that you left behind.

And regardless if you no longer want those things back, they are a part of your past. (In the same bittersweet way puberty was.)

And so today, I thought I would use this as an opportunity to promote Blogher’s Backtalk which is devoted this week to the topic of blogging through divorce. 

Because it’s ok to feel, think and blog this thing.

1 Comment

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One response to “Need to create a new emotion

  1. Nicole

    Wow–so well written (and well processed in your mind.) I’m amazed at your ability to move on from what was, to live in the present, but to also experience the stuff that inevitably comes up with the process of divorce.

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