The boyfriend and I went to a wedding yesterday. Actually, I had two handsome dates because the boyfriend’s roommate went with us. (I heart the boyfriend’s roommate.) It was a sweet wedding. You could totally tell the couple was meant for each other. And, as I was sitting there in my pew watching the ceremony, clutching the boyfriend’s hand, squeezing it at appropriate times, wiping away tears (I always cry at weddings), I realized it was also the first wedding I had attended since ending, or even planning to end my own marriage.
I sat there and hoped lovely and happy things for the happy bride and groom as they gleefully left the sanctuary arm in arm.
It just has to work. It really does. It just didn’t work for me with him.
And I looked into the beautiful brown eyes of my date (The boyfriend, not the roommate. That would have been weird.), and I just felt peace and happiness, the way life should be.
Then I tried to kiss him, but he turned his head because he thought I was going to tell him something, so I whispered, “Um, I was going to kiss you.” Then we laughed because it was a really funny moment. And I was so happy.
But something snapped me out of my bliss.
Time for the bouquet toss.
“I need all the single ladies…”
Oh god. Not this again.
I detest this tradition.
So much that I refused to do it at my own wedding.
It’s a tradition that seems to say, “Look ladies, someday, you can be really happy. You can get married. Because that is what makes a girl happy. You can’t possibly be happy and be single, can you?”
YES YOU CAN!
But there I was, standing there with all the hopeful six-year-olds on up.
Luckily I didn’t catch it. It didn’t even come close.
But if I’m honest, (and I’ve never not been on this blog) a part of me really wants to have that whole marriage thing again. A big part of me. A HUGE part of me. (This is also the part of me that wants to have babies, which I’m pretty sure has a lot to do with the recent birthday I celebrated.)
But I want it to be right. And good. And not because society says it should be.
So for now, I’m going to enjoy things the way they are. Enjoy time with the boyfriend. Enjoy times away from the boyfriend.
I’m searching my soul. I’m trying to find out what and who I need to be to be a better person. To at some later day, make a great wife and mother.
So for now, no bouquets for me. (Unless you count the beautiful roses the boyfriend sent for my birthday.)
But someday…and not because I catch someone. Because they catch me.