Instead, I offer you a memo to Hy-Vee Grocery Store.
To: Hy-Vee in Mission, Kan.
Re: Salad Bar
I love having your now-under-construction grocery store so close to my work. It makes it so handy to swing by after work for odds and ends or grab some pita and hummus to bring to a friend’s house when I’ve completely forgotten to prepare something. I don’t even mind your crazy parking lot or the fools who walk around looking for the entrance when it is clearly marked “entrance open 24-hours while under construction.”
Nor will I hold a grudge for the slightly wet floor this spring that caused me to slip and fall in front of a hot guy as I entered your store. I’ve sucked up the humiliation of that moment in order to return again and again to buy my last-minute grocery goods.
It’s not your fault you reside on the Kansas side and I can’t buy wine or booze. You do have a nice assortment of mixers and that at least saves me a third stop on my way home. And you try, like all good Kansas stores with your 3.2 beer, and I appreciate that gesture.
But what gets me. What really, really gets me. Is your salad bar. Oh, sure, it’s oozing with veggies and condiments galore so that I can load up my killing-the-earth plastic to-go container with my fooling-myself healthy salad –the cheese and ranch dressing piled high. In that aspect, it truly delivers. But Hy-Vee in Mission, Kan., do you really think I’m stupid? With rising gas prices leading to rising grocery prices, did you really think I wouldn’t notice your sneaky little trick?
You leave the vegetables in such large chunks, I’m not even sure you chop them at all. This causes stupid people (not me, of course. never.) to pile more on because they don’t really know how much cauliflower, mushrooms (was that whole portabella I put on my salad?!) cucumber, celery (I swear it was a whole stalk) and broccoli they are getting. These vegetables in their chunk form obviously weigh more, causing the salad to COST more. So now, my (er, I mean a stupid person’s) salad goes from a reasonable $2 and some change to $5!!! And I (I mean they) get back to the office, only to realize there is way more “stuff” on this salad than can possibly be consumed in a lunch hour, let alone by one average-sized 30 year-old female.
So, Hy-Vee, please keep up the great work in all other departments, but don’t try to pull a fast one on this chica. She’s 10 steps ahead of you. (Um, I mean, she would be if she hadn’t slipped on the floor earlier this year…)