I never thought I’d be here. But now that I am, I can’t help but want to write about some of the obsurd happenings in the world of online dating. Thanks for the inspiration to share…
There is no moral to these stories because as my friend Justin likes to say, it is not an instinctive move for us to move to the Internet when looking for a match. If we could find someone in other ways, we would. So therefore, anyone out there in online dating land has some sort of flaw, issue or quirk whether it be minor or major. I’m learning to take it all with a grain of salt and to enjoy the journey…but damn if I don’t want to laugh about some of it!!!
So for those (like I was) who have no idea how Match works, here is a synopsis:
You sign up with an account and try to pick a clever name. (No, I’m not sharing mine. It’s lame.)
Then you answer questions about your lifestyle, preferences, ideals and how you hope your match will answer the same questions. You write a clever headline (not sharing that either) and finally, you write a few paragraphs of introduction. Slap on a few photos and up you go!
My tactic was post and wait to see what happened. But you could take a more aggressive approach. If you see someone that looks promising, you can either no holds bar and send them a message via your personal Match e-mail account, or you can “wink” at them. Winking is just a way to say, hey I’m interested and maybe you are too.
My first experience on Match occurred about five minutes after I signed up. I was sitting there, watching TV and suddenly I saw I had an instant message. (This is another way you can use Match.) So I start to talk to this guy. I could tell I wasn’t that attracted to him, but I thought I’d give him a chance, so we talked for a while. Then he wanted to meet up. Woah…I wasn’t sure I was ready for all of that yet. So I told him I’d like to talk some more before I went to that step. I started to notice he was very self-deprecating. I’m all for dry humor and the ability to find your own flaws, but this guy was such a hater that I think he may have needed Prozac more than he needed a date. A few days later, I sent him a message saying I wasn’t ready for the online dating scene, hoping he’d just go quietly away. Of course, that was a stupid move because obviously, I was still active on Match. (Lesson number one learned: don’t lie. It will bite you! But come on, I was so new to this whole world of weird.) He sends me an e-mail, “In other words, I’ve met hotter guys than you, you fugley loser.” Well, I guess he was kind of right. I just wouldn’t have put it that way. Two weeks later he starts sending me one word messages “ha.” CREEPY! Moving on.
This guy had some promise. A nice job. Loved his dog. My age, but divorced. Funny. Kind of cute in pictures. We shared some interests and our phone conversations were easy. I was actually looking forward to meeting him. One of the things that happens when you start online dating is you tend to break the awkward ice by sharing “war stories” of bad first dates. He told me a doozey. He had taken this girl to a local bowling establishment that doubles as a martini bar. She had a few martinis and then started egging him on with shots. Suddenly the bowling match date turned into a drinking match as she was challenging him with shots for each time pins were left standing. After a while of heavy drinking, she disappears into the bathroom. A significantly long time goes by for a girl to be in the bathroom on a first date. A staff member comes to tell him that his date is sick in the bathroom. He proceeds to share with me that she was all sorts of sick. He told me, despite that, she pulled herself together and she insisted on driving home. (Despite his offer to call her a cab to help her out.) The next day she had the audacity to text him what a great time she had and she hoped to see him again. He said he let her know he wasn’t interested, and with that story, who can blame him? In the days following him sharing this story with me, she became bowling girl and all references to our future first date were jokingly measured by how much better it would have to be than that date.
So enter week of our scheduled Friday night date. I’m having happy hour with a friend. I’m telling her about my plans and want her opinion if he’s cute. So I pull up Match on my Blackberry and show her his photos. “OH NO!,” she blurts out. “YOU CAN’T GO OUT WITH HIM!” Obviously alarmed, I ask why not. She tells me she had been talking to him on e-harmony and then her roommate started talking to him. (By the way, he presented himself as just recently signing up for Match and it was his first time with online dating.) Then she says all I need to hear, “He took her to [name of bowling/martini establishment]…”
No way. No way.
Your roommate is bowling girl?! This can’t be happening. Kansas City is a small town, but really?!
And it gets worse (which you knew it would.)
Turns out that he was egging her on with the shots. Then she did get sick in the bathroom, but what transpired after was not the same story I was told. Let’s just say he didn’t offer to call her a cab, but he was more than willing to help her if she could get in her car and follow him to his house…. Then he continued to text her for weeks before eventually breaking it off because he felt bad because he slept with her!!!
Later that night when he called to chat, I said, “Maybe you shouldn’t have told me about bowling girl, but I’m super glad you did.” He, of course, denied that my friend’s roommate was bowling girl. “That wasn’t her name. No. It didn’t happen that way. I told you what happen. This must be some sort of mix up.”
Needless to say, I never met him. Recently he e-mailed that he was really bummed and that it was unfortunate that some mix-up kept us from meeting. I’m not bummed at all.